It is 1am now and I have just washed down a sleeping pill. One of the good ones too, I haven’t had one of these in years. But with any luck, I will finally get the sleep I need and be out of it for most of tomorrow.
I know that my stories are usually thoughtful and uplifting, at least, I hope so anyway, but not today. Today I feel broken. Regardless of what I have written to you in the past, I’m not perfect, so perhaps it’s time to just let my fingers wander across this keyboard and write whatever they want
I haven’t slept in days, not properly anyway. An hour here, another hour there, but not a full deep sleep and it’s finally taking a toll.
It started with me getting a stomach bug a week ago and has continued through the week as my daughter caught the same bug. Her room is right next to ours and last night I lay there for hours listening to her whimper before she finally threw up and went to sleep. By then it was too late for me.
I don’t know how long I will be able to sit here on the floor typing, for now, it beats bed. Bed feels like a jail to me at the moment.
I’ll go upstairs to bed when I start to feel dizzy. Then at least, I shouldn’t have to wait long once my head hits the pillows.
Is it just me, with my anxiety, or do a lot of us get like this from time to time? If this was one of those standard blog posts I would google it, but not tonight. Perhaps I just don’t need to know everything.
I was angry earlier at my wife. I was just frustrated and tired and took it out on her. It upsets me now that she didn’t go to sleep with a smile on her face, and that’s my fault. Don’t worry it wasn’t a big thing, we’re good, but just the same, it still not something I’m proud of. I need to apologize in the morning.
My eyes are getting a little fuzzy now. It’s moments like this that I’m glad I did those touch typing classes, because whatever I think plays out to the screen. Which is probably a good thing because I can’t even focus on my fingers or the words right now.
I’m going to need to close this up somehow. Quite frankly I’m not sure if it will ever reach an audience, but if it does, know this.
I didn’t publish it to whinge. I value your time and attention too much for that.
And I didn’t publish it because I wanted to get sympathy from anyone.
No. If I do publish, it will be because this is just another one of those tipping point moments that I sometimes talk about. This is the moment when I say enough is enough. I need to sleep for at least 4 good hours to get my sanity back. So if popping one of these little (prescription), orange pills is what it will take, then so be it.
Can’t feel my face anymore. Time for bed. Wish me luck.